


now if you’re feeling weary (if you’ve been alone too long)

by CosmoKid



Series: that was the river (this is the sea) [4]
Category: The 100 (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Anxiety, Arguing, Bellamy is a Soft Boi, Communication, Dancing, Domestic Fluff, Episode: s06e04 The Face Behind the Glass, F/M, Flirting, Fluff and Angst, Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, It's important!, Jealousy, M/M, Motorcycles, Mutual Pining
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-05-26
Updated: 2019-05-26
Packaged: 2020-03-17 14:59:00
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 9,262
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18967579
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/CosmoKid/pseuds/CosmoKid
Summary: They’ve been standing at the back of the crowd for a few minutes when Bellamy murmurs, “This feels awfully familiar.”“What?” she asks, turning to look at him with a narrowed gaze. “A crowd of mindless people looking up at a leader who happens to be on a raised platform and is only slightly self-righteous?”He grins despite it all. “You’ve been spending time with Murphy.”a different take on s06e04





	now if you’re feeling weary (if you’ve been alone too long)

**Author's Note:**

> echo says nomon at one point which is apparently trigedasleng for mom
> 
>  
> 
> also like some of the food names i come up with im like lets make this symbolic and then theres time like i need to come up with a name, hmm, im eating hula hoops, ill just name it after that
> 
> the song they dance to is be my baby by the ronnettes  
> also with dancing, i dont know how you dance at all (i describe my own dancing style as vodka aunt at a wedding trying to seduce the groom) and all the like traditional dancing (ballroom??) is based on my vague memories of the vampire diaries so yeah
> 
>  
> 
> i have no idea if ill stick with the posessed storylines because i HATE it already so its not in here

_Bellamy_

Her hair is soft in his hands as he braids it, the intricate twists feeling familiar to him. He remembers Monroe telling him that the braid he’s doing is a fishtail, but he doesn’t care about the name, not really. He just likes doing them; it’s grounding. 

He’s not sure how long they’ve been lying there in the bed, but a comfortable silence surrounds them. Neither he or Echo had slept that well and they’d both been awake by sunup. He supposes it would have been polite to go down for breakfast at some point, but they’d agreed to just wait until dinner. Their borrowed outfits for Naming Day were placed in a pile on the small chair in the corner and they don’t look like the kind of things you’d wear to breakfast. 

They don’t exactly look comfortable either. Though that’s nothing new.

Echo shuffles next to him, turning her head slightly, “How much longer until you’re done?” 

He lets out a soft laugh, “Just under a third of your hair left.”

She groans, making him smile a little more. “Did you have to choose the braid that takes the longest to do?”

“This one’s your favorite,” he says and strokes a finger down the back of her neck mindlessly. “Plus it’ll go with your dress, being a fishtail braid and all.”

“You realize that not all fish are blue, right?” 

“Who said you could bring scientific fact into this?” he asks, eliciting a quiet laugh from her. It makes his heart swell and his cheeks hurt from smiling too much. “Your dress is blue therefore fishtail braid.”

After a few moments of silence, she asks, “Where did you even learn to do this?” 

“I asked one of the guards on the ark how to when I was a kid, I wanted to do something nice for, for O. She always seemed so sad and I just wanted, you know, make it a little better. I told the guard, I think it might have been Major Byrne, I wanted to impress some girl in my Earth Skills class. She thought I was adorable.”

“Well,” Echo says, moving the thin covers as she stretches her legs out. “She was right. You are.”

He rolls his eyes and looks back down at the braid. “All the girls used to think so too… when we first landed. I used to braid everyone’s hairs, said it was about keeping their hair out of their eyes, but it was just nice to do.”

“You know, you were pretty infamous amongst all the clans, I’d always hear about the savage leader of Skaikru and turns out he was just braiding girls’ hair.”

“When you say it like that,” he complains just as he finishes the braid, tying it with part of Echo’s hair. “It was simpler back then, braiding hair didn’t feel like a waste of time. I’m finished by the way.”

She hums, turning over to face him. “Has your life ever been simple?”

“Guess not,” he says, looking down at her. She reaches up to entwine their fingers. “It felt safer though. We’re back to treading on eggshells every time we talk to anyone. One slip up and we could get ourselves kicked out.”

“Like Diyoza?” Echo asks, the hint of a frown etched into her face. He squeezes her hand. “I guess it’s good that we’re all nobodies on Sanctum.”

He snorts. “Speak for yourself, I’m the de facto leader, and Murphy and Shaw are the heroes of the Primes or whatever it was that medic guy called them when they brought Delilah in.”

“Well, it beats being a terrorist.”

“One on par with Hitler.”

“Or Wanheda,” she says, glancing away from him. “Or Seripa.”

He blinks. “Seripa?”

She blinks, looking as if she didn’t even realize she said it. “It was just a, a myth in Azgeda. Something we’d tell kids so they’d take their training seriously.”

“Right,” he says and bites his lip. He swallows. “You ready to head down? I know Simone said something about giving us basic dance lessons before the celebration so we can join in with the locals.”

“Simone?”

“Russell’s wife,” he explains and runs his hand through his hair. 

“Oh,” she says and pushes herself up to sit up, letting go of his hand. “I wouldn’t mind getting something to eat. They have pretty good food here, much better than Monty’s algae.”

He nods. “Yeah.”

 

_Murphy_

His eyes flit around the corridor as he walks, feeling like the ivory walls are closing in on him. His shoulders are tense and his throat tight as he forces himself to speed up, trying to ignore all the thoughts racing around his head. There are so many doors and he doesn’t want to know what’s behind them. Logically, it’ll probably be medical supplies, but there’s something malicious about this place, he can feel it.

He wouldn’t be surprised if the rooms were full of stolen organs or decapitated heads. Maybe some drug that keeps everyone in a gullible state. Talking to anyone here feels like talking to someone about to drown in syrup. They’re all dancing through life while Murphy is fighting to stay alive.

“John?” Abby asks as he walks through the door, nearly making him jump out of his skin. He squares his jaw.

“Dr. Griffin, Jackson said I could find you here.”

Her face contorts into something akin to worry as soon as the words leave his mouth. “Is something wrong?”

 _Well, besides the fact that you’re alive and safe whilst two members of my family are dead, another one is missing his sister because of your daughter and another is struggling because you electrocuted her, not really_ , is what he wants to say. The words have been on the tip of his tongue since he saw her awake.

He doesn’t say it though. If he wants to figure out what Octavia meant, he needs to be civil with Abby so instead, he plasters a smile on his face, “Not really. It’s just that, well, I was talking to Octavia yesterday and she mentioned something about _something_ that happened in the bunker. And you know, if we want to help her, we need to know the full story, you know?”

“I see,” she says shortly. He raises his eyebrows, leaning against the doorway. “What do you want to know?”

Only slightly hostile, he can work with that. 

He takes a deep breath. “She uh mentioned something about a choice you guys had to make and something about it being the only option? Does that ring any bells?”

“There were a lot of decisions we had to make in the bunker.”

“Right,” he says, trying to keep an amicable tone. It’s difficult to not just tell her to get over herself and her self-righteous bullshit. “But this one seems extra important. She sounded pretty torn up about it.”

“John, you have to understand, we were locked underground for over six years and half of us were enemies with one another before we went down. Things were difficult and every decision we had to make was important. Lives were at stake.”

“I get that, but this one was clearly more difficult for her than others. And she made it sound like you were the one who advised her on it. You sure you don’t know what decision she was talking about it?”

“I’m afraid I can’t help you. I don’t know what she was talking about it,” she says and he forces himself to not let out a heavy sigh. “It’s really not doing any of us any good to keep focussing on the past. We need to bury the hatchet and move forward.”

“That’s easy for you to say,” he says, rolling his eyes. He runs his hand through his hair and tries to control his anger. “Some of us didn’t hurt each other and still lost our family. Maybe we don’t want to just move on and ignore what happened.” 

“John-”

“What? What are you going to say, Abby?” he interrupts, standing up straight and glaring at her. “Let me guess, _I had to do it_ , _I had no choice_. You and Clarke always say that. You like to pretend that _somehow_ , you’re the good guys and you’re just forced to make bad decisions and that you’re not actually to blame and that really, everyone else is on your level. It makes you feel better, doesn’t it? Vilifying the rest of us?”

He stops himself, rubbing his eyes to get rid of any tears. She’s staring at him with her mouth in a tight line; it’s clear she doesn’t know what to say to him. He forces himself to breathe.

“You know, we’ve all done bad things. We know that, all of us, but the rest of us try to make up for them. The rest of us _try_ to make it better,” he says, his voice shaking as he speaks. “But you? You and your daughter? You don’t. Something happened in that bunker and I don’t care how hard it was. You think it was easy for us, stuck in space? Everyone’s had to make difficult decisions and if you really want to bury the hatchet and get your humanity back, maybe you should start by taking responsibility.”

With that, he leaves the medical office, practically running down the corridor to get out. He can barely breathe, he hates hospitals. He gasps for air when he gets out, his lungs burning as he leans against the wall, staring around the mostly quiet streets of Sanctum. 

He takes a deep breath and closes his eyes. His heart is pounding in his chest and his head is hurting. He feels sick from worry and anger, he knows he needs to calm down. Breathing out, he starts to count.

 _One_.

He’s safe. He’s not in danger, he’s not going to be experimented on, he’s not going to die.

 _Two_.

Nothing will happen to him. He’s got his family to protect him.

 _Three_.

Not all of them.

 _Four_.

He’s fine, he’s safe. 

_Five._

Having a breakdown now would not be good. He can’t, not now.

 _Six_.

If he can just figure out what happened with Octavia and Abby, he can be useful again. 

_Seven_.

He could help Octavia and he could help Bellamy and he could do something good. He can be good.

 _Eight_. 

There’s no point in stressing about the Griffins, they’re not going to change and he doesn’t know why he expects them to. It felt like Abby cared about them at some point, but clearly not. 

_Nine_.

Addiction will always be worth more than him.

 _Ten_.

He’s _fine_.

“Murphy?” He opens his eyes, immediately schooling his face into a calmer expression when his eyes lock on Raven approaching him. He gives her a sarcastic wave. “What are you doing here?”

“Wanted to ask Abby about something with Octavia, but no dice, just question dodging and blame shifting. Not sure what else I was expecting.”

There’s no point in lying to Raven, she’d get the truth out of him eventually.

“That’s all you’re ever going to get with them,” she says, a resigned look on her face.

“You’re right. I guess I was just hoping maybe the guilt would get to her and she’d tell me what actually happened. It’s not like Octavia’s even here to give me a different version of events, thanks to her daughter and all.”

“I’m not sure they even feel guilt,” Raven mutters and then straightens up a little. “Anyway, I was actually coming to find you. That medic guy who looked you over last night told me that there’s a mechanic shop here. Want to check it out with me?”

He raises his eyebrows, pushing himself off of the wall. “Aren’t we meant to be at some dance practice?” 

“You want to go to a dance practice?” she asks and crosses her arms. “Come on, I know you want to come check it out with me.”

Grinning, he crosses his arms in front of his chest. “Awfully presumptuous of you there, Miss Reyes. We both know the only reason you’re asking me is because your boyfriend is off at the ship.”

“Go float yourself, Murphy,” she says and he can see the grin she’s fighting off. “You coming or not? I hear the mechanic is hot.”

She starts walking away after that and he stares, taken aback, for a few seconds before he calls out, “Why would that make me change my mind?”

“Maybe if you got yourself a hot boyfriend, you’d stop pining over Bellamy.”

“What?” he asks, hurrying to catch up with her. “What do you mean _pining over Bellamy_? I’m not pining over Bellamy, what are you talking about?”

“Sure you’re not.”

“You’re blind and delirious.”

“And you’re pining over Bellamy Blake.”

He runs his hands through his hair again. “I am _not_ pining over Bellamy Blake.”

“I’m pretty sure you are,” she says, turning her head so she can waggle her eyebrows at him.

“By that logic, you’re pining over… Echo?”

“Who are you trying to convince here, me or you?”

“You should really just stick to machines, Reyes, you clearly don’t know what you’re talking about,” he tells her just as they’re approaching the house that he assumes is the mechanic shop. 

He trails after as she enters, looking all around the shop. Her eyes light up and there’s something almost childlike in the way that she steps up to touch different things hanging on the walls or placed on shelves. “This place is cool.”

Raising his eyebrows, he snorts. “When do I break the news to Shaw that you’re cheating on him with a monkey wrench?”

“If you’re going to date a tool, may I recommend a drill?” a voice asks and Murphy’s eyes snap to where it came from, seeing a man heading down the stairs toward them. “Much more reliable and durable.”

Raven straightens up, “Oh? Personally, I would have gone for a chainsaw.”

“You must be the pilot I’ve heard so much about,” the man says, coming to a stop in front of them with a crooked smile on his face. His light blonde hair is perfectly styled and is in stark contrast to his oil stained, calloused hands. “I’m Ryker, resident mechanic.”

He glances at Raven who leans back on her heels before speaking, “I’m Raven and this is Murphy. He’s completely useless when it comes to mechanics, but he’s fun to keep around.”

“Well, screw you too.”

The corners of Ryker’s lips quirk up. “I see what you mean.”

“Am I supposed to just accept my role as court jester or what”? he asks and elicits a small laugh from Ryker. He has to admit, Raven was right; he is hot.

“Nah, I like you more as a cockroach,” Raven tells him, leaning over so she can ruffle his hair. He side-eyes her, fighting a grin. “So what are you working on here?”

Ryker runs a hand through his hair and Murphy tries not to stare at the motion. “Well, I’ve been trying to get this bike to work, but I can’t even get the engine to start. It’s probably something to do with the fuel gage.”

 _Bikes,_ he repeats in his head. They have bikes here?

“Let me have a look, I’ll get it to work,” Raven tells him and Ryker shrugs, pointing behind him. She nods before pushing past him to get to work.

Ryker blinks and then smiles, “I like a woman who knows what she wants.”

“So does her boyfriend,” he remarks, raising his eyebrows at Ryker who blushes. “So you have bikes here?”

“Yeah. When the first Eligius crew arrived, they brought them for easy transportation. We keep them running the best we can.”

Murphy nods, a little impressed. Ruder grins at him and there’s something in his eyes that makes his stomach do somersaults. He swallows, forcing himself not to break eye contact.

“You ever been on a motorbike, Murphy?”

He bites his lip. “Can’t say I have.”

“How’d you say I take you for a ride on mine before the celebration begins?”

 

_Echo_

They’ve been standing at the back of the crowd for a few minutes when Bellamy murmurs, “This feels awfully familiar.”

“What?” she asks, turning to look at him with a narrowed gaze. “A crowd of mindless people looking up at a leader who happens to be on a raised platform and is only slightly self-righteous?”

He grins despite it all. “You’ve been spending time with Murphy.”

The corners of her lips turn up in a smile and she starts to reply, but she’s interrupting by Russell’s voice over a microphone set, “Welcome to Naming Day.”

Neither of them cheers along with the crowd. She doubts anyone notices. 

“Today, we observe the four pillars of Sanctum. They are-” he pauses so the crowd can call out the reply to them. She frowns, this is odd. He continues and despite the strange feeling the words elicit from her, Russell commands her entire attention. She doesn’t cheer like everyone else, but she’s hanging off the edge of every word.

“As is tradition with every Naming Day, I will begin the process of making amends. As your leader, it’s my job to keep us safe during the red sun… _Kaylee_ , I failed you in this. When I realized your family was not with us before the eclipse, I closed the door. I kept it open as long as I could until the life of everyone else was at risk. It was a decision with tragic consequences. I know the heartbreak you feel, I know your pain, I miss Josephine every day and the fact that I cause this pain for you…”

He trails off and Echo can just make out the tears streaming down his face before he and Kaylee are hugging. The crowd cheers it as if public apologies are commonplace here and something to be celebrated. She glances at Bellamy who shrugs.

Russell turns back to the crowd, “Now it’s your turn, tell your neighbor you love them, make amends with those you’ve hurt and _set yourself free_.”

“Why is everyone hugging?” she whispers to Bellamy, scanning the crowd for someone acting normal. “With a couple of words, he’s got the entire crowd doing exactly what he wants them to.”

Bell shrugs. “I think it’s tradition.

“I guess. He’s good at speeches.”

“Yeah, well, so was Jaha and we saw how that turned out.”

She bites her lip and her tongue, not wanting to antagonize Bell more. He’s clearly not having a good day. “Do you think Murphy or Raven is here? Or even Emori?”

He shakes his head. “I think we might be the only ones who showed up.”

“We really are taking the role of the parents again, aren’t we?” she asks, hoping that it’ll make him smile. It doesn’t which makes a lump form in her throat. “Being the responsible ones.”

“Yeah,” he says and he’s looking up at Russell with an intense gaze. 

She frowns and glances away. They’re meant to be happy here, that’s what Harper and Monty wanted, but it just doesn’t feel possible anymore.

 

-/-/--/-/-

 

“Two glasses of chila tea coming up,” the lady at the stall tells them, grinning brightly at them. It looks like a genuine smile, but it feels unsettling. They feel a step away from being delirious.

Still, Echo makes sure to smile back at her, trying to keep civility between them. “What exactly is chila tea? It smells delicious.”

“Ah, we’ve been drinking this since the first Primes arrived in Sanctum,” the lady says and there’s a sing-song element to her voice. Echo glances to Bellamy, but he doesn’t seem to be paying any attention. “Prime Priyah found chilotes at the bottom of the lake, but they were entangled with the red seaweed so she boiled the fruit to remove any infections. It was Prime Josephine who found that adding a hint of lezo to it would greatly improve the flavor.”

“Lezo?” she asks, trying to not visibly react to the note about the red seaweed. That seems like something important especially considering they were all swimming in the lake two days ago.

“It’s a berry that grows on some bushes just within the border. It’s tradition to pick them the day after the eclipse.”

“Oh,” she says, keeping the smile on her face as the lady turns back around with two immaculate looking cups in hand. She takes hers and places Bell’s in front of him for when he finally notices. “Thank you.”

“There’s no need, sweet, you’re our guests of honor today,” the lady says, clasping her hands together in front of her. “If you’ll excuse me, I need to get changed before the celebrations really begin.”

“Of course,” she says and brings her cup to her lips, turning around in her barstool to look out around the streets. It’s mostly cleared out now, the masses of people all gone, to get changed or whatever it is they do.

“How is it?” Bell asks in a quiet voice next to her.

Even the sound of his voice makes her smile. “Not bad. A bit like the berries in the valley.”

“I never got to try them,” he says, staring down at his cup with an almost crestfallen look on his face. She reaches across to rub his arm. 

“I wish we could have lived in peace there.”

“Me too,” he admits and stirs his tea with his finger. “Sometimes it feels like we’re cursed. Nothing ever goes right, no matter where we go. Everyone is so happy here and I’m scared we’ll ruin it for them, it’s what we do.”

“Bell, it’s not, I promise. You’re a good person, we’ll do better here.”

He looks up at her. “Do you really believe that?”

“We have to.”

“Now you’re starting to sound like Clarke,” Bellamy says in a tired voice before he downs his drinks and stands up, shaking her arm off. She blinks. “I’m going to go see if I can find Murphy and Raven to make sure they’re at the celebration tonight.”

“Right,” she says and watches him leave, her hand frozen in the air. She takes a deep breath and takes a sip of her drink. 

She doesn’t know what to do or how to help. She knows he’s struggling and that losing Octavia has hurt him even after everything that’s happened. If she could, she’d go out and find Octavia right now and bring her back. It wouldn’t do any good though because they’d still be at loggerheads and Bell would still be betrayed.

There’s a part of her that blames herself. She shouldn’t have listened to Diyoza, she should have stayed at the entrance and made sure everyone got on. If she’d just trusted her instincts, she could have changed it.

But she didn’t, she heard orders and she took them like she always does. Be the good little spy. That’s all she’ll ever be. A good spy that’ll do anything you tell her. She sighs, leaning against the counter.

“Echo?”

She blinks, looking up as Clarke approaches. _Of fucking course._ “Yeah?”

“Have you seen Bellamy?” Clarke asks, seemingly oblivious to the fact that she really doesn’t want to talk to her now.

“You just missed him,” she says, placing her cup on the counter. “What do you need? I can pass it onto him if you want?”

She stares at Echo for a few seconds before she nods. “I wanted to apologize.”

“Again?” she asks, raising her eyebrows. “Just give it up, Clarke. When he’s ready to forgive you, he will. You need to stop trying to force apologies on-, you know what? Whatever, I’ll pass it on. He went to find Raven. That’s all I know.”

 _It’s all I ever seem to know_ , she thinks sourly, _nothing important, just like me_.

 

_Murphy_

“So,” Ryker asks, taking off his helmet and pushing his hair back. “How was that?”

He crosses his arms and hums. “It was fun, I guess.”

“Oh, come on,” Ryker says, giving him a disbelieving look. “You’re telling me that that wasn’t the most exhilarating thing you’ve ever done in your life. _Nothing_ gets the blood pumping like a motorbike ride.”

“Ever been tortured?”

The words are out of his mouth before he can really think about it and he knows his face betraying him right now. That was not the right thing to say and he knows it.

Ryker, to his credit, recovers quite quick, letting out a cough and then saying, “Can’t say I have.”

“Well, it’s a way to get the blood pumping for sure,” he says, determinedly ignoring the blush spreading through his cheeks. “If that’s what you’re into, that is.”

“I think it’s common courtesy to save discussion of kinks until at least the third time you meet someone,” Ryker tells him as he places his helmet on his bike and holds his hands out for Murphy’s.

“That’s fair,” he says and hands over the helmet. “So are you accompanying us to this celebration thing or have you got more important things to do?”

“Well, as a Prime, I can’t exactly miss the celebrations, but it’s also customary to not show up in a leather jacket so,” Ryker says, leaving the end of his sentence to Murphy’s imagination. 

Murphy nods. “Guess I’ll see you there.”

“Can’t wait,” Ryker tells him, the goodbye only being a little stilted as they go their different ways.

His mind is conflicted as he walks back toward the mechanic shop. Ryker seems nice and like he does just genuinely want to welcome them, but Murphy doesn’t trust him. Maybe it’s just his past luck with trusting people he’s just met, but something feels off. It’s like there’s something else is happening here. Something beyond the pale. 

He shakes his head and sighs. He needs to not be thinking about that right now. 

Pushing the back door of the mechanic door open, he pauses when he hears voices. He leans against the doorway, just able to see Raven talking to Clarke. He can’t hear what they’re saying, but Raven looks upset. 

It feels like forever before it finally ends, Raven’s voice raising before she turns and starts walking toward where Murphy is. He blinks, letting out a breath. 

“You heard all that?” Raven asks him, a sour look on his face.

“No,” he tells her, “Just saw it. You okay?”

“I will be,” she says and takes a deep breath. “You go ahead to the celebration thing without me, okay? I’ll catch up, I just want to work on the bike a little more.”

He nods. “Okay, just, if you need to talk, you can talk to any of us, you know? Come find us.”

 

-/-/--/-/-

 

“Hey,” Emori says, her voice making the hair on his arms stand up. He turns to look at her, trying to keep his face neutral. “Can we talk?”

“Now?” he asks and she nods. Maybe it’s just him, but it’s like he can feel exasperation rolling off of her in waves. “Can’t we do it later? We’re meant to be celebrating.”

“Well, we could have, but you’ve been avoiding me,” Emori tells him and he sighs.

“I haven’t been avoiding you,” he says even though he definitely has. “We haven’t really had any time to avoid one another.”

“You’re not a good liar, John,” she says in a tense voice. He scratches the back of his neck and glances down at his feet. “Why have you been avoiding me?”

He takes a deep breath, looking around the room for some kind of escape. “Can we not do this now, Emori? Come on, we’re meant to be enjoying ourselves.”

“We both know that if I say yes, you’ll just avoid me again. You know there’s only so many times you can interrupt Bellamy and Echo before they ask you to leave them alone, right?”

“What do you even want to talk about?” he asks and he’s barely able to keep his voice steady. “What is there to talk about?”

“The fact that you’re avoiding me and I don’t know what I’ve done.”

“You don’t? Seriously? You’re the one who made it clear that I was only good enough when I was fighting for my life. And we’re not, we’re meant to be safe here. I thought you’d want me to leave you alone now.”

“Oh, so it’s my fault now?”

“That’s not what I’m saying. I just, Emori… Seriously, can we not do this now?”

“What is it, John? Am I not enough for you? Is that it?”

He sighs. “No. It’s nothing like that.”

“Then what is it?”

“Emori,” he says in a hushed voice, glancing around them. “Please, can we not do this now?”

“Why not?”

“Murphy.” They both jump at the voice, turning their heads to look at who interrupted them. He blinks when he sees Ryker there. “I’m not interrupting, am I?”

“Nope,” he says before Emori can, smiling at Ryker.

“Good,” Ryker says. He’s swapped out his leather jacket for a simple blue suit that matches him quite well. “I was wondering if you’d like to join me for the first dance?”

 _Not really_ , he thinks, but as he glances between an expectant-looking Emori and Ryker, he finds himself nodding, “I’d be honored.”

He lets Ryker lead him onto the dancefloor where a bunch of other people are crowding, all standing in two lines. He frowns, his brow furrowing. Ryker lets out a small laugh. “I’m guessing you skipped out on the dance lesson Simone gave this morning?”

“How did you guess? Other than the fact that I was in your shop when it was meant to be happening.”

“You stand there and follow what I do. I’ll lead,” Ryker tells him, that crooked smile on his face again. “I hope I didn’t intrude, but you looked like you needed an out.”

“Oh no, I did,” he says and runs his hand through his hair. “Thank you.”

“Is everything okay with you two?”

He presses his mouth into a line. “Yeah, it’s just, we’ve got some stuff to air out, you know?”

“Of course,” Ryker tells him and holds his hand up, palm flat and at a right angle. Murphy narrows his gaze before he realizes everyone else is doing it. “Put your hand in front of mine, when the music starts, we’ll do a full circle and step back. Then we do it again, and then it’s basically a waltz.”

“Right,” he says and puts his hand up like everyone else is doing. “Is it a good time to tell you that I have absolutely no idea how to waltz?”

Ryker laughs lightly. “I’ll lead.”

When the music starts, he doesn’t really have any option other than following Ryker’s instructions with a few tweaks whispered to him as they go. Once they’ve been dancing for a few beats and Ryker’s hand is secure on his waist, it’s not too difficult. He only steps on Ryker's feet three or fourteen times. 

“Another twelve beats and I’ll twirl you,” Ryker tells him, close enough that Murphy can feel his breath. “And then there’s another fifteen beats before we swap partners. That happens twice and then the song will be over. They normally play more upbeat songs after.”

He hums and moves with the music, wishing it would feel a little more natural. “So you do this every year?”

“Every Naming Day.”

“Not going to lie, I have no idea what Naming Day is.”

“It’s uh complicated,” Ryker says and the smile on his face is dazzling. It feels like he’s trying to charm his way out of answering the question. “Takes much longer than a dance to explain.”

“Right,” he says as Ryker twirls him, pulling Murphy a little closer to him when they resume dancing.

“I’m sure someone will beat me to it with an explanation, but I'll explain it when we have time if not,” Ryker tells him and Murphy nods. “I’m surprised your leader hasn’t told you about it, I thought Simone would have explained it to him by now. She loves talking about all the traditions.”

“Well, I haven’t actually talked to Bell yet today,” he admits, biting his lip. “Plus, he’s not really our leader.”

“But you trust him?”

“With my life.”

Ryker is silent for a few seconds before he nods. “It’s good that you trust each other so much.”

“Six years stuck in space together will do that to you.”

“I can’t even imagine,” Ryker tells him as his grip loosens. “We swap partners now, I’m sure I’ll see you later. If not, enjoy the night. You are guests of honor.”

He blinks, a little confused about the sudden cheerfulness of Ryker. It seems almost superficial. “Uh thanks, you too.”

 

-/-/--/-/-

 

“We missed you this morning,” Simone says, sitting on the other chair at the table Murphy is sat at. 

He stares down at his drink, not quite trusting it. The bright purple colour of it is just a little too unnatural for him. It doesn't taste terrible, but he's hesitant to drink much of it. “Raven convinced me to check out the mechanic shop with her.”

“I imagine she’s still in there, tinkering away?” she asks him and he nods. “I see that you’ve met Ryker, it’s rare that he’ll join in with the dances so it was quite shocking to see him taking part.”

“Oh,” he says, trying to look less taken aback than he feels. That’s not the feeling he’d gotten from the dance. “Well, he’s a good partner.”

“Of course,” Simone says, smiling at him in that oddly superficial way they all seem to have. “That’s what I wanted to talk to you about actually. Delilah seems quite taken with your friend, Jordan, and you’ll understand that it’s important for us to know that he’ll be good to her.”

He breathes out, stirring his drink with his finger. “I don’t know Jordan well, but if he’s anything like his parents, he’ll be the best person Delilah could have.”

She raises a brow. “You were close with them?”

“We were family.”

“I see,” Simone says, placing her hands, clasped together, on the table. “Tell me about them.”

“They were, they were the best people you could ever know,” he says and his voice is shaking. He takes a deep breath. “Monty’s the reason we’re here, he saved us. He and Harper gave up their lives so we could have a new home. He planned for everything and he just, he was so good. You know, when you’ve gone through what we’ve all been through, you wonder if there are any good guys, but then you remember Monty. And Harper. And you remember that there is good in the world, people who will always make your life better.”

She doesn’t say anything so he takes it as a cue to keep talking. “I owe Monty my life. Back when Earth was destroyed which was only a few days ago for us, I wouldn’t have made it to the ship without Monty. I could barely walk and I just, I remember telling them to just leave me and to get to safety, but Monty, he wouldn’t listen. He refused. He dragged me to that ship, I’m surprised we even made it. But we did and I, I owe him everything.”

“He sounds like a good man,” she tells him and he nods, blinking away some tears.

“He was,” he confirms. Breathing out, he straightens up in the chair. “Harper was, she was just as amazing. I, yeah, I owe my life to her too. She was so kind and good and tough and just, she was always willing to help, you know? After everything that happened, it was really difficult for me on the ring, kept waiting for threats and fights, that kind of thing. And I remember this one day, I just didn’t want to go breakfast, I didn’t want to do anything and I just, I remember sitting on the floor and just staring at the wall. Harper was the one who came to fi-"

Trailing off, he wipes away a few tears. He’s never talked about it and it just hurts. It hurts knowing that they’re gone and that he’ll never get to see them again. He mises them so damn much. It’s not fair that they lost two members of their families because some assholes couldn’t just live in peace, it’s not right, but he knows that it’s what Monty and Harper wanted. He just wishes he could have at least said goodbye.

“Harper was the one who found me, wanted to know why I’d missed breakfast and she just, she sat opposite me on the floor and asked whether I wanted to talk about it. And I didn’t so she talked for me, told me about how she got kicked out of her chemistry class once because she nearly blew up a table. And then when I was ready to talk, she was there and she really helped, you know? She told me that we’d work on it part by part and asked what we could do to make it better. And we ended up cutting my hair and finding some new clothes and new sheets and all these little things built up and it all seemed, I don’t know, more manageable. Harper was just, just-”

He has to stop himself, choking on a sob. He downs the rest of his drink in one and wipes his mouth. “I need to uh, I need some air. Is that okay? I just, yeah.”

“I understand,” Simone tells him and that’s the only confirmation he needs before he’s out of his seat and moving toward the door. He just needs to get out, get somewhere he feels safe.

 

_Bellamy_

There are smiling faces all around him, bodies twisting and twirling on the dance floor like there’s no care in the world. Glasses of vibrant liquid are being passed around accompanied with friendly voices and giddy laughter. Plates of exotic beauties are spread out along all the tables, he’s never seen so much food piled up, and he can tell that the people of Sanctum won't eat it all. It's not possible. They’re in a mad world where they can waste food and can be happy without feeling guilty.

He wishes he could be liked them: step through the looking glass into their colorful world. How wonderful would it be to simply relax and enjoy himself, and not constantly take note of every exit waiting for danger to crash the party?

But last time he did that, he got his Mom killed and his sister arrested. He can’t take that risk again.

He blinks when he feels a hand on his arm, turning to see Echo looking at him with a stony expression on her face. “You okay?”

“Yeah,” he says, feeling a little guilty for the lie. “Just… last time I was at a party, O was arrested.”

“Oh,” she says, her voice nearly emotionless. “We can still go look for her if you want?”

“Why?” he asks, feeling anger boil up in his stomach He thought maybe she’d take it as an opportunity to talk through her feelings not just suggest practicalities. “Why do you always offer solutions and not just stop for a second to be emotional? To be human? Harper and Monty haven’t been gone for days and it’s like you don’t care at all. Do you even miss them?”

“Bell,” she says, but he turns away before he says anything else. He hates the hurt look in her eyes so he doesn’t turn back, even when her hands drops his arm and he hears her footsteps leading away. 

 

-/-/--/-/-

 

“Thought you’d be dancing with your girlfriend,” Raven remarks, holding out a very thin glass filled with a sparkly blue liquid. He takes it and raises his eyebrows. “They call it a champagne flute although it’s filled with something called hulos.”

“I’m assuming its alcohol?” he asks before hesitantly sipping the drink. He makes a face, trying not to spit it straight back out. “Very salty.”

Raven snorts and smooths out the fern green dress she’s wearing with one hand. “It is alcohol. Doesn’t hold a candle to Monty’s moonshine though.”

“I mean, what could?”

“Fair point,” she says and there’s a sad smile emerging on her face. He gets it. “Where’s everyone else?”

“Haven’t seen Emori yet and last time I saw Murphy, he was dancing with some blonde guy,” he says, his face scrunching up in confusion when he realizes his jaw is clenched. He unclenches it and breathes out. “And uh me and Echo had a, had a disagreement and I’m not sure where she is now.”

“A disagreement?”

“My fault.”

She nods. “You want to talk about it?”

“Not really,” he tells her and lets out a deep sigh. “I thought I’d cool down a bit before I go and apologize, stop me from saying something that I don’t mean.”

“I get it,” she tells him and pats him on the arm. “So, has Clarke visited you on her round trip of apologies yet?”

“Not yet. I guess I’ll get one soon though.”

“Probably. She really doesn’t know when to stop, does she?”

He shakes his head and huffs. “I don’t want an apology this time, I don’t even want changed behavior. I just want her to leave us all alone. I’m _tired_.”

“Hate to break it to you, man, but I don’t think you’re going to get that anytime soon.”

“Could she at least wait a few days when we’re not, you know, mourning two members of our family?” he asks and his brow furrows. “Especially since she’s clearly not planning to change her behavior. Doesn’t matter who she hurts as long as she accomplishes her goal in the end.”

“Hey, come here,” Raven murmurs, standing on her tiptoes so she can throw her arms around him. He holds her tight, barely able to keep the tears at bay. “Octavia’ll be okay, she’s strong. You taught her to be strong, she’ll pull through.”

He sniffles and wipes his nose. “I know that we weren’t in a good place and that we’re closer to strangers than we are brother and sister, but I thought, I don’t know, maybe we’d be able to help her, make her realize what she did was, you know, crazy. But like always, Clarke took away that option so she could have what she wants. It’s always her way, who cares if it screws over the rest of us?”

“Preaching to the choir there, Blake,” she tells him, pulling away. “We should organize a night where we all get drunk and complain about her.”

“Think it might take more than one night to get through it all.”

“It sucks that she’s the one who gets to be here,” Raven says and downs her own drink in one. “Diyoza got kicked out just on her reputation, imagine what would happen if they heard about Wanheda.”

“Yeah, I doubt she’d welcome for long after.”

“I wish that was a comforting thought,” Raven says and lets out a bitter laugh. “You think they’ll actually let us stay long-term?”

He shrugs. “I don’t know. I hope so, but I don’t think I’d even be able to relax, not when I know my sister is out there, or even that Diyoza is out there. I wouldn’t say we’re friends, but she’s vulnerable and she's going to have that baby at some point and there are people out there who could, I don’t know. I just, yeah, I don’t know.”

“Guess we just hope that they’re friendly,” she says, her voice laced with doubt. “Look at us, being all depressing at a party where we’re supposed to be the guests of honor.”

Snorting, he drinks the rest of his hulos. The taste does not get any better. “When you find something to be happy about, I’ll happily be… happy? That doesn’t make sense.”

“Good try, Bell, good try,” Raven says and pats him on the shoulder. “You know what you should go do now? Go apologize to your girlfriend.”

He nods. “Yeah, I should go do that."

 

_Echo_

She’s halfway through a jug of some alcoholic drink she’s ‘taste-testing’ for the tavern owner when she sees Murphy wander in, the top few buttons of his shirt undone. His hair is tousled, his eyes are red and he looks beautiful in the evening night. 

“Murphy,” she calls out, waving at him. He raises his eyebrows and heads toward her table. It’s impossible to miss her since she’s the only one left in the tavern. Someone said something about lanterns and then everyone was gone, she doesn't really remember the specifics.

“You have enough for yourself there?” he asks as he climbs onto the stool opposite her.

“You want some?” she offers and pushes the jug toward him. “It tastes like shit.”

His nose wrinkles up at the smell of it and he shakes his head. “I’m not much of a drinker.”

“You sure? The salty taste gets bearable once you’ve drunk enough of it,” she drawls which makes him smile. He still doesn’t take her up on her offer, not that she blames him. 

“So,” he starts, crossing his arms on the table between them. “What’s brought this on? You okay?”

She shrugs. “Managed to upset Bellamy somehow, felt like the kind of thing you'd drink about.”

“Maybe you should put it down then.” He reaches out to edge the jug away from her. She rolls his eyes and he just snorts. “Look, you and Bell _work_. You’re good together. I'd bet on my life that it was just some misunderstanding and that he’ll come and apologize soon and you’ll work it all out.”

“How do you know that?” she asks, meaning for it to come out as biting but she just sounds sad. 

He places his hand over hers. “Because I’ve seen the way he looks at you and I’ve heard the way he talks about you. You’re the most important thing in his world. You guys are so in love, it’s actually kind of disgusting. He’s not going to throw that away. Bell is a lot of things, but he’s not a moron.”

“You think so?” she asks, biting her lip and blinking away tears.

“I know so,” she tells her and squeezes his hand.

“How do you do this?” she asks and her voice is barely audible over the faint music floating in from the club nearby. “Relationships. I have no idea what I’m doing. I feel like someone blindfolded me and put me in front of a road lined with spikes and reapers.”

He snorts. “You think I know? Have you not seen the flaming wreckage that is me and Emori's relationship?”

“Think you guys will ever make up?”

“Honestly?” he asks. She nods and he sighs. “I don’t think I want to. Our relationship was pretty much born out of necessity and at this point, it's all dried out. Now that she doesn’t need me, well, you saw what happened on the ring.”

She entwines their hands and squeezes. “You know you’re not useless, right?”

“Yeah,” he says and they both know he’s lying. “Anyway, I think that's enough self-deprecation for one night. We should do something fun.”

“Like what?” she asks, her voice much more audible just as the current song ends.

It seems to give Murphy an idea since he grins and hops off his bar stool. “Like dancing."

The next song kicks in before she can reply, and Murphy starts swaying to hit, holding his hand out as he sings along, “ _The night we met, I knew I needed you so. And if I had the chance, I’d never let you go._ ”

She rolls her eyes. “I’m not dancing.”

He just raises his eyebrows as he dramatically places the other hand on his chest. “ _I’ll make you so proud of me._ ”

It still doesn’t make her dance and after a few moments, he huffs and starts dancing by himself. And as he moves, it looks like he has no care in the world, like he’s free.

Maybe it’s the alcohol, but there’s something hypnotizing about him, especially when he spins around, landing on one knee with his hand outstretched. “ _So won’t you please be my, be my little baby?_ ”

She bites her lip and then thinks _fuck it_. taking his hand. He grins and lets her pull him up, and then they just dance. She’s sure they look like a right pair of fools, but it’s fun. Twirling Murphy under her arm, rolling her shoulders and just moving to the beat is _fun_. The song ends at some point, but it doesn’t matter because Murphy somehow knows the lyrics to the next and the one after that so she dances as he serenades her. And she’d be content to stay like this until her feet are bruised and bloody, and his voice is sore.

In the few minutes as they dance, she forgets everything that's happening. Their lives are so complicated and confusing and stressful, and being able to just let go means more to her than anything. For a few minutes, she can forget about her past and her present and stop worrying about her future. She can forget that she knows she should tell Bell the truth and she can forget that they're in constant danger. She can forget it all and just dance. 

She’s just twirled Murphy for the seventh time when he stumbles to a stop. “Bell?”

And when she follows his gaze, she sees a very awkward-looking Bellamy, frozen to the spot. “Hey?”

“Oh, don’t mind us,” Murphy says, the usual level of sarcasm in his voice. “We’re just dancing away our sorrows.”

“I can see that, a repeat of the Murphy Show,” Bellamy tells them and it looks like he might smile, but then his face becomes serious again. “I, I wanted to apologize. I was upset and I took it out on you. Everything I said was unfounded and I didn’t mean any of it and I’m just so sorry.”

In a second she feels all her pain come back, her stomach dropping and tears threatening at the corners of her eyes. She swallows and nods, her bottom lip trembling. “I do miss them.”

“I know,” he says and just the way his voice sounds makes her want to throw her arms around him and shield him from everything bad in the world. “I was upset with Clarke and I took it out on you. I’m sorry.”

“It’s okay,” she murmurs even thouugh really, nothing is okay. That's not Bell's fault though. She takes a deep breath. If she’s going to do this, she needs to do it now because if she doesn’t, she never will. “I wanted to… to talk to you about something.”

“I’ll uh leave you two to talk,” Murphy says in an awkward voice, but she reaches out to grip his arm. She wants him here, needs them both to know.

“Stay, please?” she asks and after a few seconds, he nods despite the unsure look on her face. “I wanted to talk to you both.”

“Okay,” Murphy says and motions toward their table. They move to it in silence, both of them looking worried, especially when she makes sure to sit on the opposite side of them both. If they hug her, she’ll stop and then she’ll never get through it. 

She takes a deep breath to compose herself. “I know I, I told you that I didn’t… remember my parents, but I was, I was lying. I was, I was eight when my-, when they were killed by Seripa.”

“Echo-” Bell starts, but she shakes her head. She needs to finish this.

“Seripa is what we called Nia in our village. She was what our parents would tell us about to make us behave, we’d tell stories about her over the campfire and we’d check under our beds for her before sleeping. But she wasn’t just some bedtime story, she was real and her men were, they were going village by village, taking over and killing everyone who didn’t bend to their will. And when I, when I was eight, they came to our village and my father, he uh, he didn’t comply. He didn’t comply with their orders so they k-killed him. I didn’t, didn’t see it happen, but I heard it and I saw… I saw his head hanging from the belt of one of her warriors.”

She takes a pause to wipe the tears from her eyes. “My mother and I, we hid in the basement and I, my mother told me, _don’t cry, if you cry, they’ll kill you_ so I didn’t. I didn’t cry, I didn’t make a sound. But it uh, it didn’t even matter. They, they smoked us out and my, my nomon, she pushed me out first, but she couldn’t get out. And she uh, she burnt to death and I saw it all. I saw her skin melt off and I heard her scream and I...”

Both Murphy and Bellamy have reached out to grab one of her hands at some point during it. She’s sobbing now, but she pushes through it. “When Ser-, when Nia heard what happened, she was furious and she uh she slaughtered those who did it and she made me watch. She made me watch as she slit all their throats, one by one. And then I started my spy training, under her and she uh used to tell us that crying was weakness and anytime I showed weakness, she’d hurt me. It’s what she did… That’s why I don’t cry. I can’t. I, I-”

“Echo, oh, come here,” Bellamy says in a broken voice and she does, stumbling off her seat and into his arms.

At some point, she feels Bell pull Murphy into the hug and she sobs into his shoulder and they stay like that, holding onto one another for dear life. 

“If anyone else wants to uh share some childhood trauma, now would be a good time,” she says when they finally pull away, trying to lighten the mood a little. There are still tears streaming down her face.

Murphy snorts, wiping his own eyes. “I think we can leave my childhood trauma for another day.”

“You guys are-” Bellamy starts, but he’s interrupted by the door swinging open.

They all turn to see the guy that Murphy was dancing with walk in. Murph steps forward, “Hey Ryker, what’s up?”

“Murphy,” he greets as he runs his hand through his hair. He looks much more stressed now, his eyes wide and his muscles tense. “I’ll keep it short. The barrier was breached again so Prime Russell has placed us all under lockdown. No one other than authorized officials can leave their buildings, you will be supplied with food and anything else that is relevant.”

“What happened?” Bell asks, a frown on his face. “Is everyone okay?”

“No one was injured,” Ryker tells him even though his gaze is on Murphy. “If you’re Bellamy and Echo as I’m assuming you are, then everyone has been accounted for other than Cillian and Clarke Griffin.”

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for reading! <3
> 
>  
> 
> come scream with me on [tumblr](https://listen-to-the-inner-walrus.tumblr.com/)  
> 


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